If you read this much, would you want to finish the story?

I couldn't even finish reading what you have here. One thing I really can't stand in a story is names that have unusual spellings or pronunciations. Your story is full of them. It really messes up the flow of the story, to have to stop, and try to figure out how you should pronounce Ikaid, Diyon Ayt, and Lief de Sharu Envar.